She did it again. My sainted mother, though of ample heart and stunningly fabulous taste in Billies, has a weakness for dogs in need. As such, she came trotting home not two weeks ago with a little lost dog.
Exhibit A
What's that you say? The dog in question has a blaze, bug eyes, and pseudo-brindle fur? That's right, my friends, the dog was an imposter. I can now safely only speak of the treachery because high level agents have removed said dog through trickery and a well-planned coup.
"Naughty" informed me shortly after his arrival (whilst hefting his leg on MY tomato plants) that his mission in life was twofold: (a) to emulate me in whiteness and high-stepping awesomeness; and (b) to secretly take over my position as beloved of my mommy. Clearly this mission was the brainchild of the Communists, who have for many years longed to bring my beloved and sainted mother to the dark side. Naughty further confirmed this when he revealed his full name to me, Juggernaut the Pink-Skinned Harbinger of Destruction. Damn pinko.
Ladies and gentlemen, I had to do everything in my power to rid my home of this parasite. I tried drowning him in a saucer (for the parasite was very small); taking him out for a night on the town and leaving him at the Bad Dog Tavern (jerk caught a ride back with a stupid chihuahua); biting him (he has Adamantium skin); and a host of other remedies, to no avail. Although I am loathe to call upon others for aid, in this instance it had to be done.
For assistance, I contacted a Secret Service Agent with whom I served in an as yet unclassified mission. Using America's vast resources of underground and highly skilled agents, he quickly formulated a plan. An agent in Idaho was flown in, a female person. We'll call her Agent X. She was chosen for her ability to resemble to the countless hair-sprayed persons who carry dogs in purses. We sprung the trap.
Agent X called from a remote location, masking said location using recorded dogs in distress. She said she was calling from a local shelter, that she had lost her dog, and that she thought Naughty was him.
The plan worked flawlessly. Even my highly evolved and intelligent sainted mother was no match for the acting skills of X. She fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Juggernaut was removed, all the while shaking his paws and whining, "I'll get you and your big fat whoore of a sister too..."
My home is again a sanctuary and a haven for freedom, even more so now that I have driven out the Interloper. More on that one later.
Keep fighting the good fight, brindle warriors. America needs you.
B
